What’s wrong with me?

We’ve all been there, i think. Believing we can somehow change the world, make it a better place to live in for the rest of us. I’ve had delusions of such grandeur for many years, since dad threw me into the swimming pool at age 4, and told me, “Sink or swim, boy!”. I swam that day, well dog-paddled more like it, i didn’t drown, and since then its been all down hill: believing you can make a difference is much easier than actually doing it.
A little bit of this, and a little bit of that — i can’t really lay claim to any more. What happened to the majestic strokes, the grand illusions, the broad stamps i wanted to make to the world? What happened to that perfect life, that happy family, the together-ness and comfort of being i dreamed of having? It all seems so far away now, as i sit here, alone in a small, brightly lit room, unfortunately dubbed, the “Command Center”, waiting to make a phone call at 5.30 pm to another person who will say either “Yes” or “No”. It almost seems surreal.
It feels like i’m trapped in a plastic baggie, i’m punching the walls, and though i make dents, the expanding plastic seems almost effortless in containing me within its walls. Screaming doesn’t help, as i said, i’m alone. There is no one outside this bag who will listen, and i don’t blame them: most of them are trapped in bags of their own. The world has become a bothersome place, full of beings who are trying desperately to reach beyond some self-imposed limits and boundaries. Its almost sickening to watch, a wretching tug from the depths of my body, as lungs and intestines are pulled from this barely lifeless body, ripped apart in the frustration of anger, despair, sorrow and a wish.
The wish. The Wish that it needn’t be so. The Hope of redemption, of a turn in the corner, of something that might make It all just a little bit more palatable.
I think that’s the problem with me. I’m just too stupid to say enough, all the while bearing the unbearable, forcing the issue, and hanging on to the last shreds of dignity: pride.


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